


It Started on a Tuesday

by Ellejabell



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Dancing, M/M, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-06-28 06:51:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15702069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellejabell/pseuds/Ellejabell
Summary: Remus has taken to dancing in their living room to David Bowie. Sirius is slowly loosing his mind.Prompt #06: "Wild Is the Wind" by David BowieDisclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.





	It Started on a Tuesday

It was late on Tuesday when Sirius got back to the flat. His hair was damp from the seemingly ever-present rain and all he wanted was a hot shower and a few hours’ sleep. He closed the door gently behind him just in case Remus was already asleep, but no sooner had he done so than he heard the music coming quietly from the living room. So not asleep then, he mused. Kicking off his boots and shrugging out of his coat, he made his way towards the noise. Then he stopped dead.

Remus was there in his jumper and cords, patchy and frayed as always, and he was dancing. To David Bowie. But it was not the expected kind of dancing, no, it was soft and sort of Latin, with hips that sway back and forth. The sort of dancing that should’ve looked stiff and awkward in Remus’s lanky, Welsh frame but that somehow didn’t. There was a quiet grace in the way Remus moved, in the way that he muttered the steps under his breath, long, quick, quick, and Sirius found suddenly and unaccountably that he could not breathe.

As Sirius watched, Remus turned, lifted a half full mug of tea and sipped, never losing step, then set it back atop the pile of books and continued about the room. The gesture was so ridiculous, so out of place, and yet so absolutely Remus that Sirius snapped out of his trance and back into the absurdity of the moment.

“What the fuck are you doing?” His voice sounded oddly hoarse and far away.

Remus jerked up suddenly and for the first time since Sirius has been watching him, stumbled. He looked around wildly for a moment and when his eyes landed on Sirius, he flushed a deep, deep red.

“Oh! Sirius, how long have you been there? Did you…?” He let the end of his question hang, unable to finish.

“Long enough. What were you…?” Sirius too found it difficult to finish, oddly flustered by the whole thing.

“I was dancing,” Remus said simply and inanely in Sirius’ opinion as that, at least, had been obvious.

“Sure, but…why?”

Remus sighed then, a huge defeated sigh, and turned back to his tea. When he had it safely held in both hands he faced Sirius and sighed again.

“I’m taking a class.”

“A class?”

“Yes, a dancing class. Rumba, precisely, and I was…practicing.”

“Oh… well, it was very good. I mean, I thought so.”

“Thanks.”

Remus’s blush got deeper.

There was a long pause then as Remus studied his tea and Sirius gazed resolutely at the wall past Remus’ left shoulder.

“Why are you taking a dancing class?”

“A lady at work invited me. She said I could come for free because they are always short on blokes and I figured as long as it didn’t cost anything I might as well give it a go.”

“Oh.”

“And I rather liked it, so I’ll probably go back.”

Sirius mulled this over for a moment.

“And why Bowie?”

“It was the only thing you had with the right tempo.”

There seemed to be nothing more to say to that so after another moment of tense silence, Sirius pushed off the doorframe where he had taken up residence and aimlessly wiped his hands on his trousers.

“I’m off to bed then,” he said.

Remus looked slightly thrown but he recovered quickly.

“Okay, well, goodnight I suppose.”

“You too,” and then Sirius turned and left.

Later as the hot water pounded down his back and warmth started to creep back into his toes he didn’t let himself dwell on the weird breathless feeling of watching Remus dance. He put it out of his mind completely and chalked it up to exhaustion and the cold. However, that night as he drifted off to sleep, his dreams were full of swaying hips and wool jumpers and David Bowie.

The next morning when Sirius stumbled into the kitchen, it was to find Remus already up and halfway through a mug of tea. He appeared to be reading the morning’s Daily Profit, but as soon as Sirius threw himself down in the chair opposite him, he folded it neatly and set it down.

“Would you like some tea?”

Sirius, not feeling properly awake just yet, only managed a sleepy hum of affirmation. As Remus got up to pour the cup, Sirius rubbed blearily at his eyes and then reached for the discarded paper. Presently, Remus sat the mug in front of him and then resumed his seat at the opposite side of the table. Sirius perused the paper with no real interest for a few moments before he realized that Remus was doing a rather bad job of appearing relaxed and disinterested while he finished his tea.

“Are you alright?” Sirius said finally, and Remus let out a breath.

“Yeah, no, I am,” he began and when Sirius said nothing he continued. “I just wanted to make sure that we were okay…after last night.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Did we shag and I missed it?”

Remus let out a slightly tense puff of laughter.

“No, it’s just—things seemed a little weird and I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t make you uncomfortable with my…” He trailed off again, seemingly still suffering the same affliction as the night before.

“With your dancing.” Sirius finished for him, a sardonic smile playing at his lips.

“Yeah,” Remus muttered, blushing once again.

“It was rather gay of you,” Sirius said after a moment.

Remus looked stunned and then suddenly he laughed, a lovely genuine laugh and Sirius found himself smiling stupidly at him.

“Well,” Remus said through sporadic giggles, “I suppose I am rather gay, aren’t I.”

Sirius was laughing a bit now too.

“Knew you’d slip up eventually,” he said and the two of them laughed even harder.

It had been a running joke amongst the Marauders since Remus had come out in 5th year that he was the straightest one of the lot. What with Sirius’s obsession with fashion and James’s general flamboyance, Remus seemed fairly tame in comparison. Even Peter was given to crying at soppy films and reading the gossip columns in the Profit. And though all of them knew that none of these things had any bearing whatsoever on sexuality, they had taken endless delight in pointing out all of the ways that Remus was failing to live up to expectations as their “resident homosexual.”

“Good,” Remus said when they had both caught their breath. “I’m glad that we’re okay.”

“Yeah, of course,” Sirius said, “I was just tired and a bit surprised to find you rumba-ing in our living room.”

“Rumba-ing isn’t a word.”

“There’s the swot we all know and love.”

“I’m just saying—”

“You knew what I meant. Now I’m going to make toast, want some?”

Remus shook his head, stealing back the paper and this time pulling out the crossword. Sirius went about finding the bread and he figured that would be the end of it.

But, of course, it wasn’t. It wasn’t because Sirius couldn’t stop thinking about it. He’d catch himself remembering it at the oddest times. He would be at work, doing paperwork, or at the pub having a pint. He even caught himself thinking about it on a date that Friday. There he’d been so thrown by it that the girl had had to ask him three times if everything was alright, and at the end of the night he hadn’t even kissed her goodnight before apparating home. And the worst part was he didn’t even know why it was bothering him. They’d all walked in on each other doing much stranger things and nothing had caused nearly the same level of distraction. If he could just work out why it was bothering him, maybe it would stop but that seemed to be a fruitless effort. Instead he resolved to put the whole incident of his head and was actually managing it quite nicely until he came home the next Tuesday to the sound of David Bowie in his living room.

He dawdled over his coat and shoes, he even considered walking straight past the living room and just going to bed, but then he stopped himself. He was being insane. Remus would notice if he didn’t say hi and then he would feel like there was something wrong, which there wasn’t because that would be stupid. So instead Sirius made his way to the living room and once again leaned against the doorway and watched.

He knew what to expect this time, but that didn’t make it any less odd. The dancing was a bit more evolved this time, not just the same box step over and over like it had been last week. This time as he finished the box, he would turn into something else, something twisty and slightly complicated that made Sirius feel dizzy and light-headed. When Remus saw him, he didn’t stop but kept moving his feet and smiled a big toothy grin. His face was pink and slightly flushed and he looked very, very happy.

“Look, we learned something new this week!” he said and then he demonstrated the same twisty step he had been doing before and Sirius found he couldn’t help but smile back at the look of pride Remus shot him.

“Very nice,” he said when the step was completed and he was impressed with how casual his voice sounded for how completely unfamiliar all of this was making him feel. Then, without knowing why, he said—

“Show me again” and Remus did. When he was done, he twirled off over to the record player and shifted the needle so the song changed. Then Remus was in front of him, breathless and giddy, and Sirius couldn’t stop staring.

“You had fun then I take it?”

Remus nodded fervently while flinging himself onto their ratty sofa.

“Yeah, I did. I mean it’s muggle and it’s silly, but it’s nice that it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Did you dance all the way home?” Sirius teased.

Remus pouted at him and his stomach swooped. He ignored it.

“I don’t care if you make fun,” Remus said in defiance, “I had a bloody brilliant time and you can’t take that away from me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Sirius drawled, finding Remus’s grin infectious.

“Course not,” Remus muttered, and then he closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the couch.

None of this was making any sense to Sirius, not the tightness in his chest or the way his thoughts came to him slowly and out of order. He felt all topsy-turvy, but he honestly didn’t care. He’d have time later to overanalyze and examine it. For now he was going to live in this moment with David Bowie on the record player and a very happy Remus Lupin.

There was no other word for it, Sirius Black was obsessed. He was obsessed with Remus’s dancing. He felt ridiculous. By the following Tuesday he found himself completely unable to focus. Moody yelled at him a full three times before he gave it up as a bad job and sent Sirius home early. His heart was pounding as he approached the front door and he found he was oddly nervous as he unlocked the door and stepped inside. Instantly he heard the music. Caught in a moment of indecision, he stood frozen in the hall just listening. Exasperated at his odd behavior, he detoured to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge before he braved the living room.

Just like the other two weeks, Remus was dancing. The same steps, long, quick, quick, made smoother with practice. Sirius found himself entirely incapable of standing. Therefore instead of his customary position at the door he slipped onto the couch, tucking his feet up under him and cradling his beer. When he looked up again, however, Remus had stopped.

“You’re home early,” he said with a touch of uncertainty, obviously still wanting to move but now, suddenly, unsure.

“Don’t stop on my account,” Sirius said quickly. “I’ll just be here.”

Remus shot him an odd look but then walked over to the record player and started the song again.

At first, as he started to move, he kept glancing uncertainly at Sirius, but as Sirius did nothing but sit there mildly and drink his beer, Remus allowed himself to get lost in the music. Watching Remus dance was unlike watching Remus do anything else. There was a confidence to the way he moved, a certainty and easiness to his step that belied his usual unassuming and reticent nature. He didn’t even dance the rumba the way Sirius had to assume one would ordinarily dance the rumba, all sharp hips and Latin flare. No he had made every aspect of this dance his own until it was soft and familiar and sexy as hell.

Sirius came up short at that, shifting on the couch and sitting a little bit straighter. Had he just thought of Remus as sexy? His mind spun around all the possible implications of this thought, settling on nothing and making no sense of any of it. He let himself spiral until he became aware of the fact that somewhere along the way the music had stopped. Shaking himself he looked up and found Remus turning away from the record player and collecting his empty mug.

“I think that’s enough for me.” He had a sort of boneless lethargy about him, a quieter happiness to that of the week before, but one that shone no less brightly. It struck Sirius then that he wasn’t used to seeing Remus happy, content maybe, but rarely consistently happy. There was something precious in it that he longed to grasp and keep and keep.

“I’m for bed then,” Remus said. “Might be good for you too. You seem a bit out of it.”

Sirius looked up, met his eyes, and struggled to corral his fractured thoughts.

“Probably right,” he managed finally. “I’m off in space tonight.”

Remus gave him a half smile and then squeezed his shoulder as he left the room and headed down the hall to bed. Sirius stayed where he was for a long time after, his mind drifting and shoulder burning where Remus’s hand had been.

Nothing became clearer as the week went on. Whereas before his thoughts had been jumbled and abundant, now they floated aimlessly around his head, lost and drifting. He would catch himself gazing off at nothing, often in Remus’s general direction. He could tell the other man noticed but he didn’t say anything about it. Sometimes Sirius was just Sirius. It was Friday night and the Marauders had all found a rare evening where everyone was free. They were an hour or so into the night and Peter had gone to the loo and Remus to get another round when James leaned across the table to talk to him.

“What’s up with you tonight?” He kept his voice low, the concern in his eyes mild but clear. Sirius knew instantly what he was talking about.

“Nothing, I’ve just been a bit spacey lately. Not in a bad way I guess, just… spacey.”

James frowned slightly at the oddness of the response.

“You keep staring at Remus.” Sirius’s eyes snapped back to James from where he’d been watching Remus at the bar.

“Do I?”

James’s frown deepened.

“Yeah, mate, did something happen? Are you having a row?”

“No! We’re fine. I — don’t really realize I’m doing it.”

“Well why are you doing it?”

Sirius thought about this for a moment. He felt like he almost got something, but then his eyes drifted back to Remus and he got lost in traces of Bowie and mugs of half-finished tea.

“Sirius!”

“What?”

“You totally checked out. What the hell?”

Sirius shook his head and felt only slightly more grounded. He thought about a million things he could say but finally decided on the truth.

“Remus has taken up dancing.”

“What?” James let out a confused half laugh, “What does that even mean?”

“I mean he’s started taking a dance class on Tuesdays, and he comes home and does the rumba to David Bowie in our living room.”

Now James was regarding him like he had lost it completely.

“I’m not making this up,” Sirius said defensively.

“You’ll have to forgive me if I’m having trouble believing that.”

“Yeah, well it’s true, so believe what you like.” Sirius’s voice was sharp and James was taken aback at his tone.

“You’re serious? He’s taking dance classes? Remus?”

“Of course I’m serious,” he snapped, and when James smirked at the pun he huffed irritably. James sobered.

“Bloody hell, it’s always the quiet ones I suppose.” He paused for a moment then, “But what does this have to do with you being spacey?”

“I don’t know,” that was the million dollar question wasn’t it? “It just makes me go all foggy. I find it very…” he searched for it, “confusing.”

James didn’t seem to know what to say to this so they both sat in the silence for a few moments.

“Hey don’t mention it to Remus, about the dancing,” said Sirius suddenly.

“Why, is he bad?”

“No,” Sirius murmured, “that’s the thing, he’s really, really good.” And then he was gone again, drifting in a sea of his thoughts and missing the quiet look of realization that passed across James’ face.

When Remus came back balancing four pints James smiled a weird knowing smile and Remus frowned at him, but he didn’t mention the dancing and for the moment he let the matter drop.

It was Tuesday again and this time when Sirius entered the living room, Remus turned to him with a look of frustration.

“What’s wrong?” Sirius said immediately.

“It’s this new step,” Remus huffed. “I couldn’t get it right all night and I thought if I could work on it on my own — but I still can’t—” He cut himself off as he demonstrated and Sirius smiled fondly as the move fell apart and Remus stomped his foot in frustration.

“See! It’s just I can’t figure out what she would be doing so I’m lost,” he sighed, a long tired sigh, “I guess I’ll have to wait until next week when I can try it with someone again,” He looked dejectedly at the floor then slowly up at Sirius “unless…”

Sirius saw the idea form in his eyes and immediately began to panic.

“No,” he began.

“You could try it with me!” Remus immediately brightened, losing his lost puppy look and perking right up.

“No, Remus, —”

“It would be perfect,—”

“—I don’t—”

“—All I need is another person, just to see where things go—”

“—know what I’m doing—”

“—and you’re here and not doing anything—”

“—Remus, stop!”

He paused mid-thought.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Sirius repeated, “and I’d just make it worse and I don’t really dance anyway.”

Remus’s face fell, but he covered it quickly.

“Right, sorry,” he said. “I just got carried away. I’ll just wait until next week.” He moved over to the record then looking sad and tired and too much like the old Remus, the Remus before the rumba Remus, and Sirius was lost.

“I mean,” he began. “I could try if you really think it would help.”

Remus froze and for a moment Sirius had no idea what was going to happen. Then Remus turned, a big grin blooming across his face.

“Really?”

Sirius felt a bit foolish with the way the Remus looking at him, but it was too late to back out now.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, not making eye contact, “I really don’t know what I’m doing though.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Remus bounded over to him and tugged him to the center of the room, “I can show you the basics.” Then he left him there and went and took the needle off the record.

“Why did you stop it?” Sirius said, worry written all over his face.

Remus hadn’t stopped smiling as he came back over to Sirius and placed Sirius’s hand on his shoulder and then his hand on Sirius’s waist.

“Because it’s easier to learn the steps without music first, I’ll turn it back on when you think you’ve got it.”

Then he picked up Sirius’s other hand in his and using the hand on his waist tugged him closer until their hips brushed.

Sirius was completely fucked.

Slowly Remus walked him through the basic box step, guiding him gently with his hand and hip and leg. Sirius was acutely aware of every single place that their bodies touched. He wasn’t even really listening to what Remus was saying, just letting the words wash over him and responding to all the little ways that Remus’s body pushed and pulled at his.

Suddenly Sirius was aware of the fact that they had stopped moving, and when he glanced up from their feet Remus was looking at him expectantly.

“What?” he croaked.

“I asked if you felt like you were ready to try it with the music.”

Their faces were awfully close together, and Sirius was having one hell of a time forming any sort of coherent thought.

“Umm…” he managed and Remus laughed.

Sirius felt it in his toes.

“Let’s give it a go, shall we?” Then Remus was pulling away and Sirius found his body following unconsciously, but before he could really miss him he was back and David Bowie was playing.

“Okay,” he whispered, his mouth very close to Sirius’s ear, “I’ll count us in.”

And then they were dancing.

Sirius stumbled a bit at first, the music much faster than when they had been practicing, but Remus guided him expertly and soon he found his way into the rhythm of the thing. After a couple of minutes, Remus leaned back in and whispered, “You ready to give it a try?”

The step, Sirius remembered, that whole reason they were doing this, and slowly he nodded.

“Okay, follow my lead,” Remus said “Now step backwards,” he did “and turn under…” Remus trailed off and Sirius seamlessly followed him through to the end of the step. When they were back to the basic position, Sirius glanced up from his feet again to find Remus beaming.

“Was that right?” he whispered.

“That was brilliant,” Remus whispered back. “Let’s do it again.”

And they did. They danced through the song four more times before they came to a stop. As the track picked up again, they stood there breathing in each other’s breath.

“Wow,” Sirius said finally.

“It’s amazing isn’t it?” Remus fairly glowed with happiness.

“Yeah,” Sirius said.

Then Remus pulled away and the moment was gone.

“Thank you for helping me. It was going to bug me all week if I didn’t figure it out.” He took the needle off and the silence rang loud in Sirius’s ears.

“Anytime.”

Remus smiled.

“Be careful, I may just take you up on that.”

Sirius couldn’t think of anything to say so he just nodded and stared at Remus—Remus who was happy, who Sirius had helped make happy, and in that moment his heart felt so full it ached.

“Sleep?” Remus said finally, reluctantly.

“I suppose,” Sirius replied and slowly they made their separate ways to bed.

Sirius wanted Remus. That much was now painfully clear, but it didn’t make any sense because Sirius was straight. Like poker straight. Like shagged all the girls in their year at Hogwarts straight. He tried to justify it a million different ways. The dancing was awfully intimate he reasoned. It was perfectly natural to have this kind of reaction. Except that wasn’t quite right, was it? He knew if he examined it too closely he might not like what he found so instead he resolved to do what he always did and not think too hard about it. Even so, he kept dreaming about dancing, and drifting off in meetings, and staring at Remus all the time. He did this all week and waited for Tuesday.

When he entered the room, Remus looked up and smiled at him ruefully.

“Another hard one,” he said and Sirius’s pulse quickened.

“I could help you out if you like.” He didn’t even care that his voice sounded oddly high and breathy.

Remus moved closer.

“That would be great.”

He placed his hand on Sirius’s waist and slowly pulled him flush to his body. Then they began to dance. Remus taught Sirius a turn that went under his arm and then another that went behind his back. There was a step that moved them quickly in one direction and then reversed before resolving back to the basic. They did all of this and hardly spoke a word. The new step Remus was working on tripped them up a bit, and when it didn’t work the second time Sirius began to get frustrated. Remus chuckled lightly.

“You don’t have to be perfect at everything first go,” he murmured.

“I just don’t get what’s going wrong,” Sirius huffed.

“That’s why we practice.”

It took them five more tries, but when they got it Sirius was sure he had never been more proud of anything in his life. He grinned massively and was ready bang on until dawn but Remus let out a huge yawn and Sirius took a step back.

“Sorry, it’s awfully late isn’t it?”

Remus nodded sleepily.

“But I’m having fun,” he said, “so it’s worth the early morning.”

“We should probably stop now though. Shouldn’t we?”

“Probably.”

But neither of them wanted to, so they stood there three feet apart and did nothing. Then another huge yawn struck Remus and Sirius smiled fondly.

“There’ll always be next Tuesday,” he said causally and Remus looked up at him in surprise. They had never acknowledged their standing Tuesday date so for Sirius to imply a future was unprecedented.

“Next Tuesday,” Remus echoed. Then he nodded as if something had been resolved and made to move past Sirius into the hall. However, his exhaustion caught up with him and he stumbled over a couch cushion and nearly fell over completely until Sirius caught him and held him tight against his chest. They stayed there in that awkward sort of half hug for several long moments before Remus pushed back slightly, murmured “thank you” and brushed his lips across Sirius’s cheek before slumping off to bed.

Things were getting bad. Sirius hadn’t washed his cheek in four days. He had long detailed fantasies that all involved Remus in various states of undress, and he got hard every time he heard David Bowie. He and James met mid-week for lunch and when James asked about it, Sirius shut him down cold. Because despite the fact that something was obviously going on, that he was obviously feeling something more than friendly towards his best mate/flat mate, he knew that admitting it meant also admitting that he was something less than straight. So it was fine to daydream on it and obsess over it, but to admit to it went against some predefined knowledge of who he thought he was as a person, and he wasn’t sure he was quite ready to wrestle with that just yet. This had always been something that was clear cut and normal about him. He liked girls, girls liked him. Beginning, middle, and end. Done and done. Confronting the fact that that might not be true was terrifying, but that didn’t stop him anticipating Tuesday with a borderline indecent level of excitement.

They didn't say anything this time when Sirius got home Tuesday night. Remus merely pulled him in and they fell to dancing. But, there was something different about tonight, something charged and electric. Sirius could feel it in each brush of their bodies in the slightly erratic pattern of Remus’s breath on his cheek. Sirius was well passed staring at his feet and so as they circled softly about the room, his eyes never left Remus’s. Every step they took seemed to bring them apart and then back again, closer, together. Their steps shrunk until they were barely moving at all until the dance was reduced the pressing of bodies and the sharing of breath and then as they finally stilled Remus pushed forward, closing the inches between them, and pressed his lips gently, then more insistently against Sirius’s.

Lost in the moment, Sirius found himself pressing, ever so softly, back. Remus shuddered slightly as he pulled centimeters away and then in a rush he came back more urgently, tugging gently on Sirius’s bottom lip until he parted for him and let Remus inside. Remus kissed him deeply now, and Sirius found himself meeting him instinctually. Slowly Remus, still leading, disentangled their hands and ran both of his around Sirius’s body until they rested his lower back and he tugged him insistently forward.

Sirius for his part did very little but let the kiss happen to him and respond in kind. His hands hung, uncertain, in the air before setting gingerly on Remus’s upper arms.

They continued in this carried over spell of the dance until Remus urged Sirius gently back towards the couch and Sirius stumbled slightly. That was all it took to break the fragile membrane of the moment. Suddenly Sirius’s eyes, which had fallen shut somewhere along the way, snapped open and widened in horror. It took all of 3 seconds for everything that he had been avoiding thinking about this last month and a half to crash down over his head and start drowning him.

Registering Sirius’s sudden stillness Remus slowly opened his eyes. As soon as he focused, he recognized the looked of stunned horror on Sirius and his face crumpled in a moment of brief and intense pain. Unable to deal with so many complicated emotions at once, Sirius took two steps backward and pulled his wand from where he had stashed it in his back pocket.

“I’m really sorry,” he said.

“Sirius, please, wait—” Remus choked out, but he was too late. Sirius was gone.

It was close to 4 in the morning when Sirius came home. He just wanted to slip in and sleep for a couple of hours before he had to go to work. The apartment looked exactly as he had left it, all dark except for the light still spilling in from the living room. He paused there in the doorway merely meaning to click off the light but he was stopped by the sight of Remus curled on the sofa. Eyes shut, he was a mess of gangly limbs, his hands clenched into fists and clutched to his chest, and his brow furrowed. Sirius felt his heart tighten at the sight and then the choking panic was back and he felt like he was going to pass out. Turning his back on the room, he placed his hands on his knees and breathed shallowly until the dizziness passed.

“You came back.”

Sirius whipped around, pushing down the wave of nausea the motion caused. Remus was sitting up now, his eyes puffy and arms shaking as they supported his weight.

“I live here,” Sirius said and immediately regretted it. Stupid thing to say.

“I know,” they stared at each other, neither breathing, “I wasn’t sure you would.”

Remus reached up then and scrubbed at his eyes, and Sirius realized that he had been crying. He felt like scum, like the worst kind of person, but he didn’t know what to say. How could he make any of this any better? The silence grew until it was painful and finally, unable to bear it, Sirius stepped backwards.

“I’m going to bed,” he said and turned to go.

“Sirius, wait,” he froze, “Please.” Remus’s voice broke on the word and Sirius turned slowly back. When they faced each other again Remus leaned forward, elbows on his knees and hands wringing in front of him. He took one long, shaky breath.

“Look, I’m really sorry. I way overstepped tonight—”

“Remus—”

“Please, let me get this out. I knew I shouldn’t have kissed you, I swear I did, but all of this… dancing has made everything so damn confusing.”

“Yeah” Sirius huffed and then held up a hand of apology when Remus shot him a pleading look.

“I knew I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Remus continued, “but all of this had made me think that maybe you wanted me to? Just a bit. And I — well I wanted to a lot. I have for ages really.”

“What?” Sirius cut in and Remus blushed.

“I couldn’t help it, I mean who can, Sirius? Everyone falls for you. But I couldn’t seem to stop, and it was okay, really, but then I started these damned dancing classes and I convinced myself that you, I don’t know, were watching at me more, that you were— that all of this—” he gestured wildly and his eyes began to well up again, “that it meant something.”

“But I’m not — I mean — I like girls, Re,” but Sirius couldn’t help but feel that the words sounded off somehow.

“I know! You weren’t—” Remus was actually crying a bit now, “You weren’t doing anything wrong. You were just helping me because you’re my friend, but I’ve — God, Sirius— I’ve been in love with you for so long that I so desperately wanted to believe that I wasn’t in this alone anymore.”

Now that he had said it all, Remus seemed to be able to breathe a little bit easier, though the tears continued to roll, unchecked, down his cheeks and dripped off of his chin.

Sirius, for his part, was fairly certain that if he didn’t leave in the next few moments he would vomit, or faint, or do something else equally horrible. It was too much. Remus’s confession and his tears and every single one of Sirius’s damned confusing emotions. He wanted to say something, to make it better, but he couldn’t even open his mouth.

“Remus,” he managed finally and the other boy instantly met his eyes, “would you mind if we talked about this tomorrow?”

Remus shook his head in a weird up-down-sideways pattern that meant nothing to Sirius.

“Of course,” Remus said, using his sleeve to finally wipe at his eyes, “go get some sleep.”

Not knowing what else to do, Sirius turned and left.

Sleep was almost an impossibility after that. Sirius had lain there tossing and turning for over an hour before he drifted into a light and fitful doze. Finally, as the dawn began to lighten the sky, he gave up and got out of bed. This wasn’t going to work. He needed some space. He needed to be somewhere where every little thing didn’t remind him of Remus. If he was going to figure his shit out, and he needed to figure his shit out, he was going to have to stay somewhere else for a couple of days. This in mind he packed a bag and contemplated whether or not he should leave a note. Finally, deciding he owed Remus that courtesy at least, he wrote down something about needing time to think and staying with James and not to worry before sealing it and leaving the note on his bed. Then, without leaving his room, Sirius apparated to the Ministry.

As soon as he arrived, he strode purposefully towards James’ desk.

“I need to stay at your place for a couple of days.”

James glanced up from his paperwork and leveled Sirius with a concerned look.

“So you are rowing then?”

“I mean we weren’t before,” Sirius ran his hand through his hair in frustration “but maybe we are now? I don’t know. It’s all so bloody confusing and I just…need some space, okay?”

James mulled this over for a moment and Sirius was sure he was going to question him further, but he didn’t.

“You know you’re always welcome,” Sirius sagged in relief, “but don’t think this means we’re done talking about this. You can’t avoid Remus forever.”

“I mean I could,” Sirius said sulkily, but when James glared at him he relented, “I know, I just, I need to sort something out on my own for a bit first.”

“Fair enough,” James shrugged and they said no more about it.

However, Sirius wasn’t getting off that easy. As soon as he arrived at the Potter’s that night, he was met by James and more alarmingly Lily, both demanding to know what had happened. At first he was reluctant to share but when both of them made it clear that he wasn’t staying unless he talked, he relented.

Petulantly, he demanded a cup of tea before he would begin, and when they had all sat themselves around the table he haltingly began to recount the tale of the last couple of months. He told them about the dancing and the strange obsession he had developed. He told them about helping Remus with the steps and even admitted to how much he had enjoyed it himself and then, haltingly and bitterly, he told them about the kiss and the fallout there on. The only thing he left out was Remus’s confession. That felt too personal somehow, like it would be betraying his trust to share that when Sirius himself didn’t yet know what to do with it.

Both Lily and James were silent for several moments after Sirius finished.

“So he kissed you,” Lily said finally, “And you just up and left?”The note of accusation was clear in her voice. Lily had always been closer to Remus, and Sirius felt a flush of shame, bright and hot.

“Yeah, I guess,” he mumbled.

“You just came here? Without saying anything?”

“Lily…” James cut in but Lily actually shushed him.

“No, I want to know exactly what Sirius did so that I can decide whether to just kill him or to kill him painfully instead.” Then she turned her fearsome eyes on Sirius and raised an expectant eyebrow.

“I didn’t know what to do!” he said defensively. “I know it sounds stupid now, but I honestly didn’t see that coming and I panicked.” Lily opened her mouth but Sirius pushed on. “I did come back too. I walked around for a couple of hours but then I came home…” He trailed off, realizing he was dangerously close to revealing everything.

“And?” Lily’s voice was sharp.

“And…” Sirius let out a great sigh “and we talked a bit. He said he was really sorry and he shouldn’t have done it but…” he trailed off again.

“Sirius, finish the damn story!”

“Sorry. He just said that he’d been wanting to for a while, to kiss me I mean, and then, well then I left.”

“What?”

“I asked if we could talk about in the morning and he said yes and apologized again and then when I woke up I still didn’t know what to say so I decided to come here for a bit until I sorted myself out.”

Lily gave him a murderous look.

“I left a note!” he said weakly.

“You left a note,” Lily sneered. Then she turned to James, “did you hear that? He left a note. After weeks of flirting, Remus does what any sensible person would do and kisses him and Sirius, coward that he is, runs away instead of dealing with things like an adult, but it’s fine because he left a note!” Her voice rose until she was practically shouting, and when she finished and neither of them said anything, she let out an exasperated “Boys!” before storming out of the room.

“Well that could have gone better,” James said at last.

“You can say that again,” Sirius muttered.

“Well that could have gone—”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Sorry,” James shot him a sheepish grin.

Neither of them seemed to know what to say, but Sirius’s mind was whirring. He ran another hand through his hair and sighed again.

“What she said before—was I really flirting with him do you think?”

James looked decidedly uncomfortable.

“I don’t know about flirting but from what you’ve said you may have been sending some pretty mixed signals.”

“Fuck.”

Sirius continued to tug at his hair and James gives him a sympathetic look.

“I mean, I was fucking leading him on wasn’t I? I was leading him on and I didn’t even realize it, and then he decided to do something about it and I act like an utter git,” he let out a growl of frustration, “I’ve been such a shit friend.”

“You have a bit.”

Sirius shot James a look, but he only shrugged. “Sorry, I call them as I see them.”

Flinging himself to his feet, Sirius began to pace around the room.

“What do I do James? I mean I’ve really fucked this up.”

“I think you have to ask yourself why you were ‘flirting’ with him to begin with.”

“I’m not gay.”

“I’m not saying that you are, just, there must have been a reason, right? And maybe if you can figure that out, you’ll know what do next.”

Sirius stopped then, giving him a look of such pained confusion that James felt well and truly bad for him.

“I can’t lose him, James,” Sirius said at length, and James smiled softly.

“Then maybe that’s your first clue.”

The music kept drifting around in his mind, taunting him. Sometime he found an odd sense of comfort in it, but sometime he wanted to claw at his brain until it bled out of his ears. Five days in and he went and bought a copy of the damn thing and took to listening to it on repeat so that at least it wasn’t trapped in his head. He wasn’t sure he’d figured anything out but he knew one thing, he missed Remus and he would do just about anything to get their life together back.

Lily came in from the kitchen and stopped when she saw Sirius sprawled on the couch, arm flung over his eyes and Bowie on the record player again. She set down the mug and sat next to it on the coffee table.

“Okay Sirius, what’s up with this song?”

When he didn’t respond she poked him hard and smirked at his indignant yelp.

Evil woman.

“I mean I like Bowie as much as the next gal,” she continued, “but even I think this is a bit much.”

Sirius waved a hopeless hand at her. He was slowly perfecting the art of the wallow.

“I just couldn’t get it out of my head,” he said into his arm.

“Well congratulations,” she said dryly, “now none of us can.”

Sirius just huffed at this and said nothing. Gently Lily reached over and pried Sirius’s arm away from his eyes.

“You know you can talk to me if you need to? You don’t have to sort through all of this on your own.”

Sirius rolled over and faced her. He looked sad and lost, and she, as she often did with Sirius, just wanted to wrap him up and hug him better. Instead she waited for him to speak. He was silent for so long that she almost got up and left him to himself, but then he sighed and opened his mouth.

“He told me that he loved me Lily.”

He eyes went wide.

“When?”

“After he said all that about how he’d been wanting to kiss me for a while.

“Oh,” she said, at length.

Sirius sat up then, suddenly angry, his hands gripping at his hair.

“I mean, what am I… How did he expect me to respond?”

Her eyes softened and she sat, slowly, beside him bringing up an arm to rub at his back.

“I hate this,” he said into his hands “I have all of these feelings and I don’t know… I don’t know anything. I don’t know where to put any of it.”

“Oh Sirius,” she said, her eyes gentle and kind, “no one ever taught you how to love did they?”

Sirius huffed a hollow laugh and then shook his head.

“I mean I love James, I love you.”

“Not like this.”

“Fuck, Lily, he loves me. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“You love him back,” Sirius eyes snapped up to hers, “if you can, and you keep doing that until it stops being true or you die.”

“That simple huh?” Sirius managed a weak smile.

“That simple,” she replied and they shared a tentative laugh.

“You do love him don’t you Sirius? Like that, I mean?”

Sirius was quiet for a moment but then slowly he nodded.

“Yeah I suppose I do.”

It was Tuesday again and Sirius decided to be brave. He took a deep breath to steady himself before opening the front door. A part of him was braced for the sounds of David Bowie and the light pouring from the living room, maybe even hoping for it, but that was not what he found. Instead a gentle light poured from the kitchen and the music was a radio quality rendition of Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue. Slowly he made his way towards the sound. Remus was there, back to the doorway, stirring something that smelled like eggs and humming gently along. Sirius was certain that there had never been anything that he wanted more than that boy in that moment. Now all he had to do was reach out and get him.

Not wanting to startle him, Sirius knocked gently at the doorframe. In an instant Remus had whipped around, wand in hand and sent a wordless jet of light towards him. Sirius’s response was instinctive and the shielding charm was up moments before the curse connected with his chest. Heart pounding and adrenaline pumping through his veins, Sirius slowly lowered his wand.

“Oh, it’s only you,” Remus said tonelessly, lowering his wand as well and slumping his shoulders. He fixed his eyes resolutely to the ground.

“Who were you expecting exactly?” Sirius shot back still rattled by Remus’s violent welcome. Remus just shrugged and picked at something on his trousers.

“I’ve been jumpy lately. I wasn’t sure if—” he caught himself, “when you would be back.”

Sirius winced, the image of Remus alone and jumping at ghosts, because his erstwhile roommate had walked out on him, was all too easy for Sirius conjure up.

“I’m really, really sorry,” he said and meant it.

Remus just shrugged again.

“It’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” Sirius walked across the room until he was standing right in front of the other man. “I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I should have stayed and talked it out with you. It wasn’t fair of me to just go.”

He watched as Remus’s cheeks colored slightly and he knew he was remembering their last words to each other. Then the other boy took a deep breath and shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said.

“Remus, look at me please?”

And when at last Remus did his eyes were hard and defiant.

“What, Sirius?”

“I—” Sirius began, taken aback by the venom in Remus’s voice, “I just— It does matter, okay?”

“Why?” Remus challenged, “Why does it matter, Sirius, please explain it to me.” But Sirius found himself suddenly at a loss. All he could do was stand there, eyes pleading and mouth still. Finally Remus had had enough.

“That’s what I thought,” he said brushing past Sirius. When he was at the door he turned and some of the anger leaching out of him. “Look, it wasn’t fair of you to run away the way you did. If nothing else we’re friends and you owe me better than that. So don’t think I’m not still hacked off at you when I say that I get why you did it. I know you’re straight, and it wasn’t cool for me to put all that on you. I mean that’s like gay 101, don’t try to turn the straight guy. So I’m not gonna say it wasn’t true, because it was, but it also isn’t your responsibility to take care of my feelings. So let’s pretend it didn’t happen or whatever and you can stop avoiding me and come home and maybe I can stop feeling guilty about it sometime this year.”

Remus finished, looking tired and watching Sirius as if scared of what he might say, but Sirius was having trouble processing all of it, his mind catching on one thing Remus had said.

“Was true?” He managed at last.

“Sorry?” Remus frowned at him.

“You said, everything you said last week, that is was true. Does that mean it’s not anymore?” His voice had taken on an odd panicky quality that Remus couldn’t account for as anger flared in him once more.

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Haven’t you put me through enough? Was true, is true, it doesn’t fucking matter?”

“It matters!” Sirius shouted. “I keep telling you!”

“Why?” Remus shouted back, “give me one good, fucking reason, why the fuck it matters, Sirius. I don’t think you can! I think you just can’t stand the thought of everyone in this world not being constantly enamored of you! And that’s not a bloody good reason! So, please, by all means—”

Sirius couldn’t take it anymore.

“Because I think I love you too! No, fuck that, I know I do. I love you Remus Lupin, and it would be horrible, just really, really horrible, if I spent all week sorting that out only for it to not be true for you anymore.”

The kitchen rang with the echo of his voice in the silence that followed. He was having trouble breathing now, each breath coming stuttering in and catching on the way out, but Remus didn’t say anything. He could feel himself starting to panic again, that same suffocating feeling that he had last week after the kiss clawing at him and making him dizzy. Finally Remus spoke.

“What are you talking about?” His voice was very small and shook slightly.

“Please,” said Sirius “Please don’t have stopped loving me because I’m an utter git. It just took me a while to figure it out, but if you—” his voice broke there, “if you—just give me another chance I p-promise I’ll do it right this time. I love you so much Re, I don’t know what I’d…” but he stopped there unable to articulate the end of the thought.

A tear tracked silently down his cheek and Sirius burned in the embarrassment of finding himself unable to stop it. Then Remus was there, pulling Sirius into his chest. His arms came up rubbed gently at Sirius’s back and standing there hunched over, his head buried in the crook of Remus’s neck, Sirius broke down.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured over and over in the other man’s shoulder, but Remus just held him closer.

“Do you know when I realized I was in love with you?” Remus said and Sirius shook head, “It was November, 6th year.” He felt Sirius stiffen in his arms and knew he knew what Remus was talking about. “I woke up in the hospital wing to Professor Dumbledore telling me what you had done, and I wanted to hate you for it. I knew that I should, but I couldn’t. I knew I was a goner. You could betray all of our friends, you could sell us out to bloody Voldemort, and I don’t think I’d be able to stop loving you.” He pulled back then and wiped at Sirius’s damp cheeks with his thumbs. “You’re stuck with me, so don’t cry, okay? I love you.”

“Really?”

Remus nodded.

“Thank you,” Sirius said.

“I’m just so bloody glad I’m not in this alone. I thought I was crazy imagining you liked me.”

“Not crazy.”

“Thank Merlin for that.”

They both chuckled, lightly. Then in an act of perfect serendipity the song on the radio changed and David Bowie began to softly play.

“No way,” Remus breathed but all Sirius could do was laugh. Big and round, it was a laugh that filled the whole room. He gazed down at Remus then, eyes full of mischief. Placing his hand on Remus’s waist, he pulled the smaller man closer until they were laid flush against one another.

“Mr. Lupin,” he breathed into the other man’s ear, “May I have this dance.”

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank my good friend Michelle for betaing this fic, but since she has no social media presence I cannot tag her. All other errors are mine.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr at @elle-ja-belle [Link](https://elle-ja-bell.tumblr.com)


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